Searching for Joy...

The rains have finally visited Trichy. And trust me, it feels divine to just stand in the balcony with the droplets splashing on my face and the misty wind flowing trough, taking me along with them to the clouds. And the chill that runs through the skin feels inexplicable. I have already put to words the bliss I feel when it rains, but this year too, the rains have brought with them the countless memories. Memories with so many stories to tell. The memories that I miss so much that sometimes they hurt. Once a friend asked me to cherish only the happy memories. And it  did not feel right. People might say otherwise, but  to me, its these memories that somehow define my existence so far. Happy. Sad. Of no consequence. It is these memories in which I can search for joy. Where I can look out for some smiles. Smiles so contagious that they transcend over the past and infect our minds.

And then, standing over the balcony in the rain, I reminisce. The happiness of the past. The little things that felt threatening at some time now bring a joyous feeling.

For the past few weeks, I have been searching for my scintilla of happiness. That pinch which makes life so easy. But standing over the balcony, in the rain, as I lived through my memories yet again, I realized one thing.

It is the little victories of life that matter so much. I have been planning for the wars, the future, looking for my happiness hither and thither that I ignore the small things that matter. Forget the  big wars, the big plans. Forget what went wrong, what could it have been. And look at the small things. Its these small moments that will make life so easy. And its these small things, these small victories that will bring a smile when it is scarce.

So, as I stand over my balcony, now drenched in this rain... All I hear is the pitter patter as the  drops hit the walls.

Pitter Patter...

Pitter Patter...

Loss...

Loss. We all are familiar with the word. The word so small yet containing the power to bring down lives. Loss. We all have come across with this word at some point in our lives.

A broken toy. A lost candy. A few marks. A loved place. A love. A soul mate. A friend.

And some how or other we have found a way to live with it. Shoving it aside. Under the carpet. In the closet. But each time we close our eyes, those images, those good times just creep out of nowhere. Just as a dream so vivid that it fills up with hope. But its only as soon as we wake up do we realize that the ray of light was just as effervescent as the dream. Loss.

I recently lost a part of me. A part which was so dear to me. A part without which one is as abysmal as the fathomless universe. As lonely as this fathomless universe. And I took to books as a trusted friend. I picked up the book "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. And it lists of stages a person goes through while dealing with loss, be it money, friend or plain death. The stages are: 

Denial: This can not be happening to me. Just yesterday, everything was all fine. No, this is merely a phase and will be over before I know it.

Anger: What? Why me? How can you be so cruel God? I am never going to your way again! Do whatever!

Bargain: Well, can this not wait. At least wait for some more time. Can't this be given another chance?

Depression: If all is going to end, what is the point? The world is so selfish, what is the point living is such a world.

Acceptance: I will deal with this. This is my fight. Yes, its is finally over, time to move on. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

These stages are in no specific order and can incorporate two at a time but one must attain acceptance at some point of time. And I am going through the same. And I know it is the most difficult task in this world to accept the loss. But am sure it is a better place. From where, looking back, the dots will seem to join.

These stages are not a remedy for a loss, but the knowledge sure smoothens the edges. It is helping me. It sure will help a lot of you.