Continuing from my previous post, here is the Second Part of the Two on my city.
Borrowed from Satish Vijaykumar's blog post: Bombaylives.com
Things NOT to do in Mumbai:
- Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali
- Avoid Taxis outside Dadar & Kurla stations all are chors.
- Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat
- Call a cop ‘Pandu’
- Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman
- Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty
- Call a BEST bus driver ‘Bablia’
- Buy enhancement medicines from Van – Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors
- Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar
- Avoid asking the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips
- Stand in front of Amitabh/shahrukh/salmaan’s house — u look stupid and its waste of time
- Baba Bengalis are neither Baba’s or Bengalis they are all perverts and thugs
- Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid
- Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it’s just a tiny 5 Rupee coin
- Go for a Shiv Sena rally in hope for a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian
- Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti
- While commuting don’t tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train
- Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.
- Tease a Hijra.
- Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.
- Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.
- Avoid pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.
- Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.
- Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house
- Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Café, the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.
- Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station
- Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it
- Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park
- Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.
- Ask for a bargain at the Maharastrian Cloth store in Dadar.
- Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it’s an escort service.
- Call a Maharastrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.
- Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji
- Look straight and walk, We have open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.
- Wear Brown Khakis shirts, People will mistake you for BMC staff.
- Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.
- Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.
- Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.
- Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.
- Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.
- Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple
- Go to Haji Ali during high tides
- Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.
- Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.
- Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.
- Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.
- Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.
- Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra. Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd
- Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks
- give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday)
- Go to an Orchestra Bar, its nothing but the local banjo party guys in better clothes
- Talk to a Gujju for more than 10 mins, he will start playing garba with you
- Go to Versova beach, its full of shit and methi plants
- Join any friendship club, its like inviting blackmailers.
- Go to Bhagwathi hospital in Borivali
- Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense.
- Ask where is the Chinch in Chinchpokli or Chincholi
- Trouble naughty couples in the A/c Buses
- Go for morning show in sidey theatre expecting sleazy action, you might encounter khudkushi action around you.
- Travel from Andheri to Ghatkopar by Bus, the bus is full of pickpockets.
- Travel ticketless on Friday, If you are caught Anadi court is a big torture.
- Wear a Red tie or red handkerchief and stand near Gateway or Radio Club, its a gigolo symbol
- Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop.
- Buy cheap booze in Churchgate Subway and get caught by cops for not having permits
- Buy Crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train
- Go to National park with your GF/Wife and take the jungle route Robbers & Adivasis might loot you.
- Ask for free Chakna in bars, its history since Aug 2, 2008
- Go to Voodoo’s on Saturday, its the only Gay bar between Istanbul and Bangkok
- Go to Navy Nagar and think you can buy booze for cheap.
- Try to play all the instruments at Furtado’s in Dhobi Talao
- Stand close to the platform when the Rajdhani is passing, a sonic and nuclear blast of fart, shit and farsan will hit you.
- Ask for extra chutney and sambhar in Udupi hotels.
- Visit Ganga Jamuna in Tardeo thinking its a holy place.
- Assume that booksellers in Fountains are dumbo’s, they know their Pulitzers and Bookers more than us.
- Take the driving test, paying 300 bucks makes more sense.
- Do a court marriage in Bandra court.
- Count the numbers of floors of Oberoi towers just because Amitabh did.
- Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option.
- Get scared and not gamble in the McDowell Derby at Mahalaksmi Race Course.
- Note down prices or take Photos at Alfa in Irla
- Buy 100 bucks Windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis
- Search for Tigers in Borivali National Park, It’s the other way Tigers & Panthers will find you
- Search the roads & gutters of Chira Bazaar & Opera House hoping to find diamonds just because the newspapers claim so.
- All the things mentioned are NOT to be DONE in Bombay.
Wake up, now that another era comes to its end...